Despite having to stop by my apartment in the middle of the race (to drop off my track pants & to pick up my forgotten IPod), I still managed to shave 10 minutes off the time of my last 10k. Not bad. But my behind is so sore right now because much of the course was downhill.
I'm actually home today, ended up taking a sick day because I was starting to feel really worn down. I've been doing a lot of informational interviews with people in the human rights field and while they've been super nice, I still haven't located any job openings. I started having panic attacks last week after speaking to a (nice & well-meaning) lawyer, who counselled me to consider staying at my firm. Problem is, I really REALLY do not want to stay at my current job. The unpredictable & long hours, plus the constant stress of being on call for things that shouldn't be on call, are not what I want. We find out about which students get hired back in less than 3 weeks and the stress of that, on top of the having to look for a job, are starting to get to me.
I'm under no illusions that I'll be a strong candidate for being hired back. I've been told that my work is excellent, but I've been picking about who I work for and how many hours I'm willing to put it. Other students may not be as good in their work, but they've been busting their chops and when it comes down to it, I think their hard work & proven interest in staying will trump my quality of work.
The thing is, I don't even want to be there, but the possibility of being jobless at the end of 5 weeks is not something I'm handling well. I know I'll at least have EI for a bit, and that all the students who historically haven't gotten hired back have landed on their feet. It's just the not knowing that terrifies me, and the dent to my pride that will result if I don't at least get the chance to turn them down.
*sigh* I know everything always turns out for the best, even if you don't believe it at the time. I also think it's better that I don't get the option to go back, so that I can look into moving into an area of law that I'm actually passionate about. It's just that in the meantime, the uncertainty is really starting to wear me down......
