I can't believe the summer's drawing to a close, and that the start of another school year (well, for other people, not for me anymore) is just around the corner. On the whole, it's been a good couple of months, although there have been its ups and downs. I'm still in the job search, but keeping busy with lots of volunteer work with legal aid & on behalf of the Chinese community. I've come to the realization that I might not be able to handle race related work full-time, although I think I'll always have an interest in doing it on the side. The pace of change is just so gradual and the victories just so few, that I think it would get me incredible down to see how hard it is to change the entrenched system. I'm definitely still interested in social justice work though, and the difference of believing in what I work for is incredible. The fact that the projects I'm working on now have the potential to help others is really cool, all I need to do now is find a way to get paid for it. :)
I also had the chance to visit Vancouver for the first time in nearly 8 years. I used to hate the West Coast and its laid-back lifestyle. I swore to myself that I would always be an East Coast girl, and that I would never give up the hustle and bustle of the city. Maybe it's the having to bust my ass for the last 4 years - I never struggled at something as much as I've had to while dealing with the law, but I've found myself missing that non-harried way of life. Of course, my friends in Vancouver are working just as hard as people I know who live elsewhere, but it was so nice to be able to drive around & not be honking at people or be honked at. Plus the combination of the mountain & ocean views? Absolutely incredible. I really didn't realize how much the past year had taken out of me until I was sitting on this park bench in Queen Elizabeth Park overlooking the Rockies and had the thought that my soul was finally starting to recover pop into my head.
It's so strange looking out into the future and for the first time in my life, not seeing where it'll lead. Everything in my life has always been set out so far in advance - from the college to law school that I'd attend, to my full-time jobs after graduating from each institution. I really don't know where I'll be a couple of months from now - whether I'll have given up and gone back to bide my time at a law firm, whether I'll finally be doing something in the human rights field, or whether I'll still be searching. I've never liked feeling as if I have no control over the situation, and while I've had to restrain the occasional panic attack that
threatened to bubble over, on the whole, my stress levels have remained (relatively) low.
It has been a good couple of months though, even if it's had some downs to accompany the ups. I've visited and been visited by good friends, ran & cooked a lot more, enjoyed some fabulous summer festivals, and caught up on four years of not reading (if you don't count law textbooks.) I've seriously averaged 1-2 (trashy) books a day, it's like this spigot got turned on once I wasn't forced to read law decisions all day. I've finally sat down & figured out my finances, as well as started budgeting towards paying off my (quite substantial) law debt. Most importantly perhaps, I'm learning to deal with the feeling of failing & uncertainty. I don't think anyone gets into law school without having succeeded at what they worked for, even if you had to work very hard for this one thing. The feeling of not getting what I wanted or worked towards is definitely not a pleasant one. Not that I will likely ever grow to enjoy these sensations, but I'm coming to realize that it's not the worst thing in the world to try for something, even if it's likely that you'll fail to attain it.
