...only this time, I actually feel like I deserve it. The last few years, every time my birthday rolled around, it would always come as such a shock. I would always feel like I had just gotten used to my present age, only for time to fly by so fast, that it was time to be another year older again.
This year though, I really feel happy on my birthday, instead of feeling like I had been taken off guard. It's been a long, rough, brutal year. Lots of really bad lows, but I've had some really good highs to balance it off too. I'm about one month into my new job, it's been one I've wanted ever since I got into law school, and now, I still find myself walking in the hallways in disbelief that I finally got where I wanted to be. I also became good friends with people who I had always known, but had somehow never really hung out with due to the constraints of school. A girl can never have too many shopping or drinking buddies right?
To be honest, it's a little weird to not feel like I'm in transition any more. To not be constantly looking for a new thing to do, because you know you can't stay in you current position, whether it's because you hate your job, or because you're in someplace transient like school. I've been in a period of transition for so long in my life, ever since I left for HK nearly fifteen years ago, that I've forgotten what it feels like to feel settled down, or to put down roots. Granted, I've lost some of that feeling ever since I moved back to Toronto. One of my friends who called me today to congratulate me, commented that I haven't been back to Chicago to visit since I've been in Toronto, but that's partially because I feel settled here. Now, the second piece of the puzzle is falling into place. I'm not absolutely sure this job is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but I'm also enjoying the new sensation of not being utterly miserable in what I'm doing either.
This summer was incredibly hard, with the fall being even harder, when everyone was starting a new job, only for me to be left behind. I didn't get the offer for this current position until literally a day after I was just thinking to myself that this was the worst day ever, and that I should remember this feeling as I would land a job eventually. And I did! I also grew closer to my friends who were going through similar experiences, and leaned on other friends who helped me through it.
I don't know if I would ever counsel someone to go through what I did. I definitely worked very hard to be where I am now, but there was also absolutely no guarantee that the hard work would pay off. There was definitely an element of luck in it too, as there always has to be, and I'm very cognizant of that fact that there are very many people who wanted this position & who will never get it. It worked out very well for me in the end, but there was no guarantee that things would ever turn out this way.
I'm still uncertain as to the future and to what I want to be when I grow up. For the first time in my life though, I'm not terrified by that uncertainty. For the first time too, I'm hopeful towards the future. I'm finally heading towards a path that I've always wanted to be, and surrounded by good friends & family. Yes, I'm another year older, but I'm also looking forward to what the next year will bring.
